Top Gs Andrew and Tristan Tate have once again been left off the Forbes Magazine list of richest people on the planet and Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer is enraged. Below he explains what he believes is the conspiracy behind the unforgiveable omission.
Dear readers: If you know me, you know I have a lot of celebrity relationships with people like Ryan Reynolds and Mark Wahlberg. I know. It’s a big deal. I’m a big deal. But that’s not why I’m writing this article today. Today I am here to tell you about one of the most egregious wrongdoings in the history of rankings, lists, and journalism in general. Recently, Forbes Magazine published its list of wealthiest humans in the world and though I stopped reading at like number 745, I noticed something that will probably irk me for eternity. As I scrolled through page after page of lame ass billionaires I’d never heard of, I grew a small boner of anticipation knowing I would soon read the names of two pecunious dynamos I admire from afar and whose lifestyle I feel is closest to mine in every sense except the money part. And maybe the getting women part too. And also the thing where they take their shirts off a lot. Actually I do that too. But more so I can feel skin on skin when I’m on public transportation. It doesn’t matter. Anyway, if you don’t know who I’m talking about, then you’re a fucking asshole. Tristan and Andrew Tate are two brothers who live in Romania, are rich as shit, and self-proclaimed “Top Gs,” which is the only way to describe the most badass motherfuckers in the galaxy. They take what they want, drive what they want, and post a ton of shit on social media because they can and everybody watches it because they wish they could be them. Everybody. Even babies and pets. Let me put it this way—your mom would have sex with these dudes and pay for it. And she’d probably even make them ham sandwiches afterwards. And cut the crust off. The Tates drive cars that are like five million dollars and they call millionaires “broke.” That’s right broke motherfuckers! You heard me. You think you’re rich if you have millions of dollars? You’re broke. Surprise. Anyway, I watch a lot of Andrew and Tristan and it’s like they are speaking to me when they’re talking into the camera. Sometimes it’s tough love when they start telling me what a fucking moron I am for playing video games or whacking off to porn. And they’re right! I’m such a fucking dickhead! AAAAAGHHH. I’m fucking jacking off as I write this and I feel like a shitty person. AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH. O.K. I’m done. The Tates live in an Eastern European mansion where hot chicks come and go and where Top G business is conducted—basically shit where you sit in a “war room” and have “emergency meetings” and then get in your super car and fucking drive while someone films you driving. In my own life, I have a “living room” where I have “emergency whack off sessions” and then I get on public transportation and take my shirt off till the bus driver tells me I “need to get off” and I usually make a joke like, O.K., you want me to “get off”? and that’s why there’s a picture of me that’s sent to all bus drivers and it says something like don’t let this guy on your bus. I’m just guessing, but I’m pretty sure it must say that judging by the way I’m treated when I try to get on a bus. Forbes. Why the fuck aren’t the Tates on your list? Is it because they’re in Romania and Romanian money isn’t as good as YOUR money? Is that it? I’ll be honest, when I look through your list all I see are names that look made up. Who the fuck is Ben Chestnut? A pornstar? How about Tony Tamer? Fake name much? Yeah, I thought so. Overall, I feel I’ve totally busted Forbes and that this is the kind of journalism that should win me some kind of award like a Pulitzer or an AVN. I fully expect the Tate bros to be on your list next year and a groveling apology to be issued in the meanwhile. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. In what can only be described as business news that might shift the planet off its rotational axis, entrepreneurophysicist Kris Krohn announced he will not do deals with people he considers overweight.
Let’s recap what Krohn recently announced: “If you’re overweight I’m not going into business with you and here’s why. I’m already concerned because it already starts telling me some things about your discipline, your persistence, and where you have weakness in your life. Listen, it’s not like you’ve got to be perfect, but I also don’t want a walking heart attack as my business partner. I build things to last. I go long term. At the end of it I get concerned when I’m aligning my values with someone that doesn’t share that perspective on health because they’re making all sorts of other choices in their life that could ultimately hurt the business.” Clearly, this announcement will send shivers through the business world and its implications will be far reaching. Because Kris Krohn is essentially a patron saint at the Intergalactic Business Report, we have decided to give him some totally free assistance that we believe will save him time and money. As fat, obese, or just not in great shape business people contact Krohn to beg for deals and waste his time, he will not be able to make ten grand a pop videos and he will be distracted from his goal of becoming a trillionaire. So, good news, Kris. We are writing your breakup letters for you. All you need to do is cut, paste, send, and you will never hear from the flabby, groveling, billionaires who seek your genius and guidance. These short and sweet missives will release you from their never-ending solicitations. To: Warren Buffet CEO Berkshire Hathaway. Warren, Not saying you’re fat, but I pronounce your last name Buh-fay. I know you’re 93, but I’m living to be 140 and I will soon surpass you. When I’m 93, my bod is gonna be ripped because I can control enzymes and stuff with my mind. Anyway, just letting you know that I will never do business with you. Best, Kris Krohn. To: Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and Space X. Dear Elon, You need to tighten up, bro. Till then, no deals with me. Your discipline and persistence are questionable. Keep it tight, Kris Krohn. To: Gautam (too much salami) Adani, Founder Adani Group. Dear Gautam, Just saw your picture and you are fat, bro. I wanna tell you to not even think about doing any biz with me. You look like a walking heart attack and you don’t build things to last, like I do. Later daze, Kris Krohn P.S. You’re weak. To: Carlos (not so slim) Helu, Honorary Chairman, América Móvil. Carlos, Just wanna stay ahead of the game and tell you not to contact me about any deals till you can prove to me you can keep the weight off for a consistent period of time. You will thank me for giving you the discipline to be better at business and life. Peace, Kris Krohn To: Oprah Winfrey, Chairwoman and CEO, Harpo Productions; Chairwoman and CCO OWN. Hey girl. Let’s be real. I know your weight has fluctuated over the years and that’s given me a lot of pause about ever going into business with you. I know this is harsh but no deals till you show me you have the dedication to stay underweight. I’m rooting for you. You've got this, Kris Krohn Buying a house, condo, or apartment is one of the biggest decisions you can make, and when the time comes to do it, there is endless advice on how you should proceed. Whether it’s a question of getting a 15- or 30-year mortgage, what neighborhood to choose, how many housing association fees you should pay, or which school system is better, the anxiety and stress around this purchase can be overwhelming. To ease your burden, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you a list of critical errors that could alter your life forever. If you see yourself making one of these 12 mistakes, stop and reconsider immediately.
12 house purchasing errors that could end your existence. 1. Your realtor sets a pistol on the table and asks you to play Russian Roulette for your mortgage rate. 2. A vulture settles on top of the property and an old prospector approaches and says the house is “pure evil” and that he “best be on his way” but “don’t say he done didn’ warn ya.” 3. When you enter the house, you are able to take off your penis and throw it. Then you look down and your penis is back. 4. There is a clause in the mortgage contract that just says: “new owners accept all responsibility for the basement hermit.” 5. A potential neighbor tells you, “Fucking run, man! Fucking run!” Then he says he’s just kidding and if you move there it’s super fun because they’re always making jokes like that but then you look at him and he has the face of a goat and you blink and then it’s back to normal but you’re super cold and feel like evil just butt-plugged you for a second. 6. At the open house, a portal to hell opens up and your wife is like, “Go in there” and you’re like, “What the fuck?” And she’s like, “If we move here, we are so going in there.” 7. Your bank says you’re pre-approved for sex trafficking. 8. You open a closet and a man from Victorian times steps out and asks if his obligation is yet abridged and the realtor points to you and says “yeah, this guy is replacing you.” 9. As you sign the mortgage papers you hear the walls giggling. 10. The house is free and as the former owner hands the keys to you, she mutters, “Now I release this burden unto you.” 11. The spirit of an Indian Chief breezes through your body as you check out the bathroom and he whispers that he likes to watch people poop. 12. To explain his proposal for a 5-year balloon payment with a 467% APR, your realtor makes you a balloon animal and then pops it. Then it’s just a lot of uncomfortable staring while he holds out a contract and a pen and drips sweat all over it. Kris Krohn might be a demi-god and I will be his first actual follower. By Ed Mountaineer.1/18/2024 In the recent past, I made the move to elect Entreprinfluencer Kris Krohn as my personal president for life, accepting his rules and oversight as a citizen of his dominion, whatever the cost or sacrifice. But after watching more of Krohn on Instagram, I’ve come to the conclusion that making him my president was a step too short. Way too short.
Krohn, for all his business brilliance and star power can be easily seen as simply a mega successful purveyor of wisdom and bio-energy, but a deeper look reveals he is much much more. Today, I am prepared to officially recognize Kris Krohn as a demi-god and I hope everyone will follow suit soon or may they be crushed by Krohn's wrath and beg for his divine mercy. I’m still working out the rules for worshipping Krohn, but I feel those will come to me now that I’ve accepted him as my protector and devoted myself to being his supplicant. “Hold up Ed!” That’s what your mouth may be saying if you read this. You continue, with fear dripping from your mouth, “I understand that if Kris Krohn is indeed a god, then you need to worship him now, as I and everyone on earth should do without hesitation. But what if you’re wrong and he’s just a narcissist who posts dumb shit on the internet?” To this I say, watch your spiritual cornhole, Mike, because if you question Kris Krohn again, you will be reamed by a mighty lightning bolt or other cosmic, butt-entering torture device Krohn creates to smite you. I warned you. But, still, I’m going to lay out some evidence so that you can submit to Krohn before it’s too late. Also, I feel that by converting you, I will gain major points with my new lord. Here we go: God much? 15 reasons Kris Krohn is a demi-god (or maybe even a full-on god). 1. He will live forever. That’s kind of the number one requirement for being a god. So he’s got that. 2. He can turn off the dopamines that arouse him when he sees hot women. (I assume he can also turn them on and seduce chickens or whatever he desires, and I just chose chickens randomly so don’t make it a whole thing). 3. Like other deities, he is immune to sickness, because if, for instance, Ebola or cancer arises, he can just say: “No, I’m good.” He doesn’t give his body permission to have a bad day. 4. He is 100% authentic as verified by his sister-in-law who at first thought he was a total ass for saying things like he is going to live forever, can cure sickness, and has the ability to turn on and off his dopamine flow with his mind, but then realized that his filmed statements were not a sign of malignant narcissism but rather just his real opinions and how he actually feels about himself, which means he’s not a narcissist—just someone who authentically believes he is superior to all other human beings and has supernatural powers. Like a god, perhaps? 5. He can disappear for two weeks anywhere on the planet and kill a mountain goat and carry it on his back uphill for miles because doing this is a practical, forgotten skill from a time when men would take two weeks, leave their homes, and travel to another side of the planet to kill mountain goats. 6. He is able to have holiday dinners with his envious extended family and still enjoy himself because he’s overcome any anxiety about being way more successful and rich than everyone there and worrying about their opinion of him as being so crazy rich he doesn’t belong in the same family as them. 7. He can persuade his wife to live with him for eternity in their bed. 8. His body is perfect because he just said it. 9. He can have conversations with his body when he stands naked in front of his mirror. They talk about all kinds of shit, but mostly about how good the body thinks it looks, but that’s not Kris saying he looks great—it’s his body, which is a completely separate and independent entity that just has really high self-esteem and can communicate that, but just to Kris Krohn. 10. He built a “fortress of solitude” out of crystals that his wife is into. 11. He has a “10” style. All the way up from a four now that he wears purple shoes. 12. He doesn’t wait in line because he hates lines. 13. He paid his mentor hundreds of thousands of dollars to mentor him. Most mentors cost millions or are free. 14. He has his own octagon and has people come in to “beat the shit out of each other” for his amusement. Toying with humans? Making them fight one another? This seems like stuff the dudes on Mount Olympus would be into... Wait a second... Those "dudes" are all gods. Hmmmm. 15. He’s figured out that sleep is a waste of time even though he’s in bed with his wife a lot and not just for sex but also to stare at each other and confirm they will both live forever. But not sleep. Editor’s note: In Ed Mountaineer’s last article about Kris Krohn, he listed Krohn’s future net worth as being in the hundreds of billions. Recent posts indicate he will actually become a trillionaire. We regret the error. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. It’s happening again. As the calendar changes and a new year closes in, the Intergalactic Business Report can tell you all about the year that just ended, because you are clearly senile, and can’t remember what just happened. To make matters worse, our “review” of the past year will be entirely of our own articles so if you're reading this in the future and you’re like, “Hey, we found this and it’s going to tell us about how life was in the year 2023,” then whoever that is is fucked. Anyway, here it is.
If you’ve never read IBR, you couldn’t possibly be reading this right now, but if you have read it, you may know that January is our most hated month. Why? Because turds across our universe use it as a way to repent for last year’s disappointments and fuckups and lay their burden on all of us too. That’s why we have New Year’s resolutions and, of course, Dry January, a punishment only Satan himself or the dipshits who came up with it could come up with. This year, we added to the heap of January despair with six totally fresh ways to ruin the month. Feel free to use them in 2024. We continued the year with an exclusive interview with the King of the Nerds; warned you about All-State’s Mahem; and used science to tell you the two words that will get you a “yes” almost every time. If that wasn’t enough, we did something the internet has never done by giving you the top 5 signs of early dementia as well as offering groundbreaking new information on the “upside” of Alzheimer’s. A common theme developed throughout the year, and I think it’s safe to say that theme was love. Probably in its purest form as we, again and again, worked to give our readers news and insights that they could find nowhere else and that almost instantly improved their lives upon receiving them. A few examples of this would be our article on the 7 questions you need to ask your mother (before it’s too late); a stark warning about “creeps”; what Costco products to avoid; and advice on what you should say instead of “How are you?” Business and technology. We did that too. Like when our own AI creature Arthur Killallhumans pranked us on April Fool’s Day; legendary business icon Hody Granger gave you personal advice; we shared a CEO letter inviting employees to “pound town”; and when Brett Bonar gifted you a morning routine so intense it will make you rich. Another focus was the writers’ strike, which hobbled the entertainment industry as it was cut off from talented scribes who dazzle us with lines like “showtime!” whenever a character watches something happen and he can’t just sit there and say nothing. To remedy this, we offered our own scab writers to fill in the gaps, but, alas, there were no takers. We also gave voice to the porn industry, which was especially pounded hard by the strike. There was a lot of other stuff too, but you’re probably too much of a pussy to go to intergalacticbiz.com and read it all. Sorry. That was probably too aggressive but we get a lot of advice about how to attract more readers and that was one of them. Not from an expert. Just some guy. At a bar. Probably not the best source. Anyway, like I said, that was our year. Dry January is next. See you then. So Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor One simple question: This holiday season, don’t your friends and relatives deserve the absolute worst, most embarrassing tee shirts, that, when worn in public, drive people to say things like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
The Intergalactic Business Report’s merch store, IBR Merch, known for selling clothing so bad we have practically zero sales, is issuing its first ever Black Friday coupon, good for 10% off until Monday, November 27. Just enter the code IBR10 at checkout. IBR Merch’s new collection is simply titled, “Hey! Look at me!” which is a tribute to all those who choose to draw negative attention to themselves in public places. Anchored by our now famous “Ball Sweat and Tears” tee, the new collection goes into new realms of cringe with shirts that re-imagine what it’s like for their wearer to sit in a bar somewhere and have people look over in fear, disgust, and wonder. A new “dog groomer” tee announces to anyone looking that you will pay them for some alone time with their pet. And college students can display their grammar skills (with our “whom does one need to blow” tee) as well as their acumen for eating ass (“top of my class in eating ass” tee). IBR Merch continues its “States of Confusion” line with more tees celebrating the traditions and character of the places Americans call home. Our, “Welcome to Wisconsin: Hot Turds ‘N Cheese Curdz” tee exemplifies the dairy state, while our dual Mississippi/Alabama tee starts the friendly argument of which state is more racist, leading to hours of playful banter if you wear it into a bar in either state. Our Drunk People Awareness line asks onlookers to change your diaper (“Just shit myself” tee) and proclaims your level of inebriation to be holy (“Drunker than Jesus” tee). Of course, our other categories and official IBR merchandise are also available. This Christmas, embarrass yourself and others and do it in a way where there’s no turning back. Go to ibrmerch.com and start your adventure. Inc. Magazine recently posted an article about how “invisible” employees could be your most valuable resource. Or something like that. At the Intergalactic Business Report, we never read Inc. Magazine articles because they either ask you to subscribe or expect you to read the content and we feel strongly the headlines are more than enough to inspire us to write superior articles on the same subject.
Anyway… We read the headline and immediately agreed. Our own invisible employee is by far our most valuable and we tell you why below. 12 solid reasons your invisible employee is your best employee. 1. You never see him. He never says stupid shit. He’s just there, we guess? 2. When your invisible employee gets angry and takes an invisible shit on the floor of your reception area, that shit is invisible. Unless the human shit in the reception area is his and his shits aren’t invisible at all. 3. He never does that thing at meetings where he questions everything you say by throwing Milk Duds at your face, unless the Milk Duds that keep hitting your face are coming from him. 4. You don’t pay him, and he has no voice to sue you no matter how many times you openly mock or threaten him and chase him with your dick, even though you’re not totally sure if you’re actually chasing him or if he’s in a totally different direction and you’re just pants-to-the-ground-around-your-ankles shuffling around the office. 5. His piece-of-shit mom will never touch you because that would be assault and you’ll call the cops. 6. You still love his piece-of-shit mom even though she’s a little “rough around the edges” and is probably going to assault you but maybe it’s not assault if you love her, and you have sex afterwards. Maybe that’s just an “alternative lifestyle.” 7. You’re not even sure what that lifestyle is called, but whatever it is, you’re that. 8. What’s the fucking difference between your invisible employee and a ghost? Should I be afraid of this motherfucker? 9. If you start dating someone and she tells you her son is invisible and he works in your office and you’re like, what the fuck are you talking about and she’s like shut the fuck up Imma beat your ass and then she does, does that make her son exist? Or is that just what love feels like and you’ve never been in love before? 10. Who the fuck is Ronald Van Silver? Is he our invisible employee? Oh, nope. He’s real. Hey Ron. 11. Did Ron Van Fucking Silver take a shit on our reception area floor? How the fuck would you even find out? Like a DNA test or something? Do I have to take some of the shit down to a lab or something? 12. Does Inc Magazine have a lab where they can test the shit from our reception area and see if it’s a ghost or if it’s Ron Van Silver? How late are you open? Real estate master and future centi-billionaire Kris Krohn has a lifestyle most of us can only dream about. See what happens when Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer decides to take Krohn’s advice and make it his command.
Kris Krohn is my new president. Here’s how I vow to live my life under his rule. By Ed Mountaineer. If you don’t already know me, I’m a pretty influential writer at the Intergalactic Business Report—a publication almost as well-known as I am. I have written many columns about my connections to the celebrity world, including my personal friendships with stars, business leaders, and people most people would consider better than themselves. In all my time hob nobbing, advising, and, yes, frolicking, I have come to see the flaws, simplicity, and terrible flaws in many of these so-called talented humans, like Ryan Reynolds. That was my view on the world—that those shiny examples of success and happiness you see on the screen are, in actuality, just sad, decrepit shells, desperately trying to entice you with their fake hair and fake Canadian accents. That was until I started watching the shit put out there by Kris Krohn. If you don’t know or understand Kris Krohn, let me put it this way: He is like a god who walks among men and imparts wisdom that makes King Solomon look like a dipshit who’s giving you an estimate to mow your lawn. Krohn is what we have all been waiting for in a leader, mentor, and big-brother/father figure/role model. That is why I elected him president for life in my mind. Let me explain… Kris Krohn has a private jet and on that jet there are no rules, except, I’m guessing, that the pilot can’t take a dump on the controls and render the craft useless. Other than that, Krohn and his guests can do whatever they want on that plane. Think about that for a second. Anything they want. Except take dumps on the controls. Kris Krohn also has set a goal of earning a hundred billion dollars. Not a billion. But a hundred billion. And that’s just by like next year or something. Think about that for a second. Kris Krohn says he studied Warren Buffet and he isn’t impressed because Buffet made his first billion when he was 55, which is way old. That dumb old motherfucker is only worth $121 billion now and he’s 93! When Krohn is 93 he’ll have like four hundo billion, making him the richest man on the planet by far and also making me pretty smart for having been the first to elect him president over myself. Think about the gratitude he’ll have for me when he hits that mark and I’m in his front lawn screaming that I voted for him, elected him, and now follow his every order, except, of course, getting off his lawn which I see as a sort of barony that I now control because of my loyalty and fealty to him. It’s knight stuff. Look it up. Kris Krohn is so smart that he doesn’t wear shoes or socks. What? Yeah, that’s right. No shoes. No socks. He just sits there, barefoot, telling you stuff. Kris Krohn also drinks a gallon, at least, of water every day. He says to his followers that “every man or woman needs to drink a gallon of water every day, no questions asked.” That means that people like me are not allowed to ask questions. I get that. I like that. I am motivated by the idea that Kris Krohn tells me what to do and I don’t question it. But how do I drink a gallon of water every day? The answer: you carry around a jug of water all day and drink from it. “You schlep that thing around with you wherever you go,” Kris Krohn commands me. That’s leadership. I have a huge jug of water I carry around now and I’m going to be honest. Half the reason for it is that if I ever run into Krohn, or he sees me on his front lawn, I’ll have a jug and he’ll be like, “Good.” And I’ll be like, “Yeah, I saw your video.” And He’ll be like, “Good.” And I’ll be like, “You’re my president.” And then we’ll see how it goes from there. Kris Krohn has a car with a gun turret in the flat bed. He had his ride modded out and added that shit because if there’s an apocalypse, then Kris Krohn can just ride in and shoot your ass and steal all your stuff. That’s planning ahead. Also, I assume he will spare his followers, like me. He’ll roll up amid the firestorm of burning flesh and garbage and point his guns at me and he’ll ask, “Are you with Kris Krohn or do you wish for death?” And I’ll just show him my Kris Krohn tatoo that takes up my entire body and he’ll be like, “Get in.” Kind of makes me look forward to the end of days when Kris and I can ride around and mete out justice “Kris Krohn” style. Kris Krohn works out till his muscles fail. Most doctors will tell you that’s a bad idea, but where the fuck did they get their medical degrees? Not at Kris Krohn university, where Kris Krohn is a full professor with tenure and has all the freshman chicks trying to get on his junk. That’s for sure. I have gone into severe muscle failure several times now and my stupid doctor keeps saying stuff like, “What are you doing?” and “You’re going to die if you keep doing this,” and I keep telling him, “My muscles don’t fail. They succeed,” and then he says something about how I’m a danger to myself and probably others. Kris Krohn doesn’t drive (except during the apocalypse). Instead, he has some doofus drive him while he makes videos for 10K a pop. Yeah, that’s right. 10K. A. Pop. Oh, and before I forget, Kris Krohn never does anything he did last year, this year. Anything. Because that’s the secret to success. So, if Kris Krohn gets a restraining order against me this year, he can’t get one against me NEXT year, for example. Also, Kris Krohn says that to be successful, you are constantly training your replacement, which means, I guess, that he’s training me…? Am I motherfucking replacing Kris fucking Krohn? Is that what you’ve been planning, Kris? Am I you now, or do I have to wait till next year? I don’t get it. I guess I’m done writing now. Good bye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at ed@intergalacticbiz.com. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. I want to start off by saying how thankful I am to the Intergalactic Business Report for reaching out to me and asking me to give their audience a sense of what it could be like for them to realize their goals and maximize their lives. If you don’t know who I am, let me take a moment to “infloduce” myself. My name is Brett Bonar and I control a real estate empire that is both spiritually guided and mega-life force validating. I use my powers to help people, like you, reach their goals by posting Instagram memes of myself talking about my knowledge and speaking to packed crowds of thralls who “do business” with me by buying my system for explosive business growth and self-improvement.
My story is pretty amazing. When I was in college I bought a house. I know that sounds unbelievable, but I did. Then I bought more houses, and after a while I was “free” from financial concerns that drag most people down and force them into lives of general misery and work. Along the way, I unlocked a system for personal growth and business success. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to use my time effectively. And it all begins with a morning routine. Below, I share mine: 3:15 a.m. Wake up. 3:15 – 3:25. Rub eyes. Make groggy yawns. Stare at ceiling in moment of self-pity and then let it all go, understanding that my day will never progress if I feel sorry for myself. Now I pity neither myself nor anyone else. 3:25-3:30. Wake up my wife. Take her on a pre-meditative mind cleanse by speaking to her in a low, deep voice, and slowly bringing her mind to a state of consciousness. I choose a theme each day such as appreciation or courage or growth and keep talking till she opens her eyes and says that thing about how every morning she opens her eyes and prays this has all just been a nightmare but it’s not because I’m actually there. 3:35-3:45. Serotonin and dopamine pump. Before our exercise routine, my wife and I spend ten minutes going through positive thoughts, gratitude lists, and recalling our most meaningful memories in order to release all our internal “happy” drugs into our system. I’ll say, “visualize our wedding day” or, “picture the sunset we saw in Hawaii” and she’ll say, “visualize sleeping in a bed and not having to get up at 3:15 in the morning.” 3:35-3:45. Treadmill. I try to get my wife on the treadmill. She says she’s too tired, but I lead her to our home gym and get her on the machines. My wife needs to get more into this, for sure, because she’s starting to ask more and more questions about why we need to be up at 3:15 a.m. in order to find peace and purpose in our lives and I’m trying to explain to her that we need to live a full day before the day begins so that we can have the rest of the day be a “bonus” for us and she’s just saying stuff about how her “bonus” is basically just wanting to fall asleep all day and how she fucking hates this and then more stuff about how when she met me on Tinder this wasn’t how she pictured it going and how I presented myself totally differently and how we used to sleep in all the time but now we do this. 3:45-4:00. After we’ve warmed up for ten minutes on the treadmill, I take my wife through a guided meditation to prepare our minds for the day ahead. She continues asking me what qualifies me to guide her through a meditation and we get into this whole thing about what qualifies anyone? And then she starts, as usual, mocking me where everything I say she says back to me in a fake Indian voice like a guru or something. I tell her it’s ruining the meditation and she’s like you’re ruining our marriage. 4:00-5:00. Weights. She doesn’t want to spot me when I lift, but I’m mentally prepared to do it without her. She usually falls asleep by the leg press machine, and I try to recite a gratitude list while I lift. She wakes up for a second and says she’s grateful she didn’t sign a pre nup with me. I lift in silence. She snores. 5:00-5:30. Breakfast. I get her to the kitchen, and she does what she always does and asks why the fuck we can’t have bacon and eggs and waffles and I have to tell her that I made a blueberry acai cleanse for us to drink that will give us all the nutrients we need for the next seven hours. She tells me to go fuck myself and then goes on a rant about why I won’t allow a coffee machine in the house and then she gives up and sips the cleanse and says she’s just going to pretend it’s bacon. 5:30–5:45. After a nutritious breakfast, I send out my inspirational power tweet to my followers. I can’t fucking concentrate because my wife is screaming something about how she hasn’t slept in six months. Such bullshit. She sleeps all day after our morning routine. I just tweet out “stay strong” or some such crap. Such an underachievement, but it’s not like any of my “followers” need more than that because if they’re following me, they’re probably living in group homes and humping doorknobs—according to my wife. 5:45-6:00. Gently wake up the kids and give them affirmation for their day. But my wife is scream-crying at everyone while I give inspirational positive affirmation to Hunter and Daisy. Daisy says something about how school isn’t till 8:00 and it’s only like a three-minute walk and why do we have to get up so early, Daddy? And I’m just like, get the fuck up. You need this time to focus your positive energy and meditate! Jesus. 6:00-6:30. Sacred time with my wife. This is a time just for my wife and me to connect with each other and enjoy our union as man and wife. I won’t describe this time because it is 100% private and between us, but I will say that it’s impossible to totally connect with someone when she keeps saying that she’s so fucking tired she might drive her brand-new Maserati into a fucking wall today. I ask her if she appreciates how hard I worked to buy her a Maserati and she’s like “all I want is sleep,” and, “I’d trade that Maserati for a dirty mattress by a river if I could sleep right now” and that “every day with you is like the first day of some fucked up hell week where you get woken up at three a.m. and have to recite a bunch of bullshit while people scream at you only this hell week lasts forever and you’re not screaming—you’re just sitting there tweeting bullshit about staying strong and surrounding yourself with positive people who are better than you, whatever the fuck that means…” 6:30-7:00. Sacred time with my children. The kids are totally awake and ready to start their day. I give them each a vitamin infused smoothie, fake bread, and a date ‘n fig Danish made from something called WeedFlax and take them through an exercise where they focus on their daily goals and visualize them before going to school. Hunter says his teacher says he’s falling asleep in class too much. I tell him that meditation is a lot like sleep because your mind is able to lift itself from the pressure that makes you tired. He is asleep in our breakfast nook and cannot hear me consciously. I tap a spoon on the table to get his attention. He doesn’t respond. I tap louder, right by his head. No response. I start slamming that motherfucking spoon down and he wakes up. Everybody is screaming. Again. 7:00-7:30. Creativity time. This might be my favorite part of my morning routine. It’s a time when I ask everyone in the family to take a half hour to let their creative minds flow. They can paint, write, compose music—whatever. As long as it’s creative. I feel this kind of focus early in the morning can ease your neuro-receptors and let your brain crank out things you’ve never thought of before. My wife starts asking where I learned that and before I can even answer she starts asking me about where I got my medical degree and then she goes off into the whole, “tell me again, how did you become the authority on how the human mind works? Was it when you bought a house in college?” and, of course, “Did you even graduate from college?” Then she just starts repeating everything I say in the fake Indian guru voice. 7:30-8:00. Kids to school. I walk the children there, and it's only three minutes away but I need to get out of the fucking house so I just take them early. We sit there. It’s not open yet. A janitor passes us and gives me a weird look like he’s into me or something. I can’t even process that. Hunter is falling asleep on a curb. I can’t lie. I’m pretty fucking tired too. 8:00-9:00. Shower and get ready for work. I like this time because my wife is passed out in the other room and is quiet. I can shave my body and admire myself in the mirror for a few minutes before it’s time to sneak by her and get in my $150,000 ride and go to work where people fucking respect me. Conclusion. I know that at 9:00 a.m. the day is just starting (for most people), but at this point I have gotten done everything I need to do. So the rest of the day is just a bonus. A long, long, so tired I am constantly slipping in and out of reality bonus. Brett Bonar is a 9-figure influencer, international speecher, business coach, and lifemaker. He has bought and sold real estate and also holds the keys to human happiness which is to sell real estate and life coach people. Questions and comments may be sent to Brett at info@intergalacticbiz.com. A CEO recently advised businesses interviewing candidates to simply “turn that résumé over. Just chat,” and added that “attitude is more important than experience.” We thought that sounded amazing since many of our staff members confirmed they had been shut out of great jobs simply because their experience and credentials were lacking. If they had been judged on their attitudes instead, they would almost certainly never be working for us.
As the recognized vanguard for human resources innovation, the Intergalactic Business Report simulates what might happen using this revolutionary interviewing breakthrough. Below, we have generated several re-imaginations of job interviews our staff members had in the past by first showing what actually happened, and second, revealing how they would have gone using this new technique. The results may astound you and take your company in a new direction when it comes to hiring. INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER ONE: IBR columnist Ed Mountaineer’s interview at an unnamed financial services brokerage (circa 1998): HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: So, Ed, it says here you graduated from business school with high honors? ED: Yes, that’s correct. INTERVIEWER: Where exactly is the Business School of My Mind? I’ve never heard of it. ED: You’ve never heard of my mind? Ha ha. Why don’t we talk about my fierce attitude instead of this résumé bullshit? INTERVIEWER: Well… We look at the candidate’s résumé to determine whether he has the background to understand how our business works. We provide financial services for people who… ED: I provide financial services to peoples’ mothers. And by mothers I mean your mother. INTERVIEWER: What? ED: And by financial services I mean have sex with them in their butts. INTERVIEWER: What? ED: How you like my attitude? HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: Hi Ed. I’m going to turn your résumé over and not even look at it. ED: Wise choice. INTERVIEWER: You seem to have a fierce attitude. ED: That’s what your mom told me last night. INTERVIEWER: Oh my god that’s so funny. ED: I know. INTERVIEWER: Do you have any interest in providing financial services to people? ED: I have an interest in providing them to your mom. INTERVIEWER: Bro. That is so fucking funny. ED: I’m hired. INTERVIEWER: That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for. ED: (Mocking) That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for. INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER TWO: IBR columnist and trust fund baby Haley DeBaron’s interview at Target (circa 2015). HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: HALEY: So, this is like a refugee camp or whatever? INTERVIEWER: Is what a refugee camp? HALEY: This… This place. INTERVIEWER: This is Target. HALEY: A target for what? INTERVIEWER: Are you here for a job interview? HALEY: What? INTERVIEWER: Didn’t you come here to interview? For a job? HALEY: I got lost… and pulled up to this… refugee camp… And you’re saying someone is targeting me? INTERVIEWER: It says on your résumé that you’ve worked in retail for 13 years? HALEY: That’s not mine. INTERVIEWER: Who’s is it? HALEY: That skanky looking woman over there? INTERVIEWER: Why did you hand it to me then? HALEY: I thought it was like a ticket to get to the front of the line at the refugee camp so that the CIA or whatever could pull me out ahead of everyone else? I just grabbed it from her because she looked so poor. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: HALEY: So, this is like a refugee camp or whatever? INTERVIEWER: Is what a refugee camp? HALEY: This… This place. INTERVIEWER: Oh… Because it looks like a refugee camp! Yes. It really does. I’ve never thought about that. HALEY: It also smells. INTERVIEWER: It does! HALEY: You kind of smell too. INTERVIEWER: Haw. Nice attitude! HALEY: Can you airlift me out of here or whatever? INTERVIEWER: I will airlift you to a management position because I’ve never interviewed anyone with your amount of honesty and moxy. HALEY: Do you know Moxy? Is she pranking me? INTERVIEWER: When can you start? HALEY: Start what? INTERVIEWER: Haw! You just earned a signing bonus! INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER THREE: Current columnist Cedric Bigglestone’s interview for a job as a columnist at the Intergalactic Business Report (circa 2018). HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: What’s that on your face? CEDRIC: Probably a booger. Wait. You mean my face? INTERVIEWER: Are you O.K.? You look really shaky. CEDRIC: Probably reverberations from having sex with your mom. INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you had sex with my mother? CEDRIC: She never mentioned her name so I’m just guessing. Also, people don’t usually introduce themselves as someone’s mother so… INTERVIEWER: Your résumé reads like a rap sheet. It just lists a lot of petty crimes you’ve committed. CEDRIC: Can we just put that away and talk about my attitude instead? INTERVIEWER: I feel like I should call the cops or something? CEDRIC: How about you don’t and just hire me instead? INTERVIEWER: O.K. I guess you’ve got the job. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: What’s that on your face? CEDRIC: Probably a booger. Wait. You mean my face? INTERVIEWER: Are you O.K.? You look really shaky. CEDRIC: Probably reverberations from having sex with your mom. INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you had sex with my mother? CEDRIC: She never mentioned her name so I’m just guessing. Also, people don’t usually introduce themselves as someone’s mother so… INTERVIEWER: That’s hilarious, bro. Nice attitude. CEDRIC: I know. INTERVIEWER: O.K. I guess you got the job. |
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